Seeds of Hope

She Left Me!


[Posted on August 12, 2000]

Rev. Turner:

She left me three weeks ago, without any warning. Just came home one day with her brother and cousin and started moving stuff out. I still can't believe that this is happening. I'm still expecting her to walk in the door any minutes.

We have been together for nearly 2 1/2 years. We are both Asian women in our first committed gay relationship. Actually this is her first relationship with any woman. She never thought of being with a woman until I came along, although most of her fantasies were about women.

I saw her through her divorce from a bad 13 years marriage. She was also 3-4 months pregnant at the time with their first child. I have two of my own. Both sides of the family were against our us. We had no support because we didn't come out to friends either. We were pretty isolated.

I turned my life upside down to be with her. Ruined my own marriage and destroyed my relationship with my parents. She uttered eternal love and devotion, but in the end, I'm the one that's left behind.

I just can't believe this because we were so good together. We had our problems but we loved each other. She was the kindest and loving person I have ever met, so the thought of her leaving me has never even crossed my mind.

She left so abruptly, no discussion at all. She sent the jewelry, credit card, and house key back in the mail with no letter. The letter came three days later where she said she finally feels free. She wants to be with someone she doesn't have to be ashamed of (meaning a man). She stayed with me for as long as she did because she thought that my loving her was enough. She now knows she is definitely "straight". She was just in love with the notion of someone loving her the way her ex-husband couldn't.

I just can't understand how a nice person can walk away like this. Especially after all the things we had been through. We were married in our hearts. We have joint accounts, etc... Please explain to me how someone can do this to another person? How can she feel nothing for me and the kids? How can she be happy and at peace after destroying my whole being?

I didn't only lose my lover, but my best friend. How can I let go of the memories and of our dreams? Logic tells me that she will not come back. But a voice inside keeps telling me to trust God. I keep hearing Him say that He will reach her. Am I just hearing what I want to hear?

I have no one now. I feel totally alone. She left with so many unanswered questions. I can't go back to my family because nothing has really change about me. I am still who I am, the person they rejected.

I hope to hear from you soon and answer some of my questions. I feel so depressed and alone. Thank you.

In Christ,

Sandra


Dear Sandra,

My heart aches for you and your former partner. This is the scenario the legalists have created in our world today -- lives torn apart at the very fabric of the soul for the lies and distortions they spew forth. Your girlfriend couldn't get past needing to look good and acceptable to the world. It isn't that she doesn't feel anything for you or the kids. She is afraid and she has been taught to see God as hating real uplifting and honoring love between gays and lesbians.

Yes, I know it seems as if she has done this to you personally, but she in fact, is not happy or comfortable with her life. Her leaving had very little to do with you and everything to do with how she sees herself. People do harmful things to themselves and others when they are afraid and feeling trapped. The power and control that legalist Christians exert is just too much for some folks. She may not come back and, yes, you only can trust God. She knew love with you, she came in touch with the greatest gift that God gives us -- unconditional love. Trust God, my child, to be with you in your pain, your despair. Be open to God's direction, listen for that still, quiet voice of God that will bring you forgiveness and peace. You are not alone. You are not rejected but rather, you are a child of God who has touched another with God's most precious gift and no matter what happens in the future she will never be able to deny that experiance, that time in her life when God bestowed the blessings of God's grace. It is that memory that can cause things to change for her. Pray for her that she, too, will hear the voice of God as you have and know peace.

You are both in my prayers.

God Bless,

Pastor Paul


Rev. Turner is Sr. Pastor at Gentle Spirit Christian Church in Atlanta, Georgia.

If you are seeking guidance and pastoral care on your journey to fullness as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered person, please contact Pastor Paul directly at pastorpaul@whosoever.org.