Seeds of Hope

I Feel So Lost ...


[Posted on February 10, 2005]

Rev. Turner:

I hope you can answer my feelings I have. Two weeks ago my boyfriend moved away and I didn't want to go with him because he said I needed to get a job, and I can't work because I'm too afraid of being around people. I feel like it's getting worse. When I go outside I get sweaty and I become confused about where I am, and I thought my boyfriend understood that.

I loved him the first year I met him, but the other two years I only stayed with him because I was so used to him. I'm a dependent person, and I know it's wrong to be that way but I can't help it. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost inside myself, and I tried to get help but I don't want to take those stupid drugs. I don't want to be transformed into a robot.

I have so much faith in Christ, but I guess not enough. I talk to him almost every night before I go to bed, and I start to cry because I don't want to be on earth any more. I want to go to heaven and be in peace. This may sound crazy but it's how I feel and no one understands me. I just want to be loved for who I am.

Matt


Dear Matt,

You have more faith in Christ than you think. You say that you talk to Him almost every night before you go to bed. That is more than most people who profess they believe in Christ ever do. Now is the time to permit Christ to have faith in you that you may be able to deal with the problems you are now facing. Romans 14:22 tells us to "hold on to your own belief, as between yourself and God - and consider the person fortunate who can make their decision without going against their conscience."

You also understand the problems and challenges you need to deal with and that's another huge plus for you. Recognizing that you need help is the first step to the road of recovery and getting better. You did not say why you took the drugs but I assume it has to do with your nervousness about being outside and being around people. Many people in this world experience the same anxiety that you are facing and with God as their light, and with the help of caring compassionate professionals, have overcome the fear and now live happy and productive lives. So, my friend, you are not alone and there are always options with God. Through good professional therapy there are other options and programs to help deal with your anxiety that has nothing to do with taking drugs, or can be done in conjunction with minimal drug usage.

If you can, find a good counselor or therapist who is LGBT friendly who can work with you on your problems. Let me know if you need help finding such a counselor or group. He or she can also help you with dealing with your depression and offer tools so you can learn how to be less dependent on others.

My dear child of God, I really sense that this feels like a very scary time for you now. You may feel like you're lost right now, but don't give up because God knows you well, accepts you as you are and understands what you are going through. God believes in you, believe in yourself. Do continue work in your faith by talking to God and God will lead you through your troubles (James 5:15 "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well, and God shall raise him...") God will indeed care you through this.

God Bless,

Pastor Paul


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Rev. Turner is Sr. Pastor at Gentle Spirit Christian Church in Atlanta, Georgia.

If you are seeking guidance and pastoral care on your journey to fullness as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered person, please contact Pastor Paul directly at pastorpaul@whosoever.org.