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It's funny, sometimes, how that old statement that I have been
hearing all of my life, "God never gives us more than we can
handle", seems to resurface over and over again at times in my life. Even
even more astounding is how when it seems like things are getting darker and
darker and just at the moment when we are about to throw up our hands in
despair seems to be the precise moment when God surprises us with
blessings, often from the most unexpected places, renewing our strength,
faith, and hope more profoundly than ever before, like a caring Parent,
comforting us, reassuring us that we will forever be cared for.
Some people I know look at the big miracles -- a miraculous healing,
an answered prayer, an "unexpected" windfall of Grace
at exactly the right moment -- and others, no matter how much I talk
about God and the abundance of God's blessings, just don't seem to see how
I can believe in God's existence or the innate Divinity of Jesus and the
spiritual truth of His teachings about the best way to
live, with kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and humility. I have
always answered that question about, "How can you look at this world
and still believe in God?" with "How can you not?" I guess it depends on
the perspective we are looking from and what we are looking at. Presumably
they are referring to horrors like shootings and hate and violence, while
I am looking at small and unsolicited acts of love and kindness, the
beauty of love, the majesty and glory of nature and life with all of its
incredible, Creator-affirming intricacies, the beauty of a sunrise or a
rainbow, the droplets of dew on the morning grass or the laughter of a
crystal-clear mountain stream. In short, I look for the opportunity to see the
glorious manifestations of God's Love for all of us in all things. I see
the little things that often renew my strength, and as the old song says, they really DO mean a lot.
For a few years now, I have kept a "gratitude journal" where I keep
track of not only all the big things but all of those little ones, too. My
only gripe is that I never seem to have enough room. Now, I'm not saying
that other people do not have as many blessings -- in the eyes of many, some
would say there are many more far more blessed than I -- but I try to
remember all the "little things." God really is in the details. Especially the times that I have been able to make some sort of a difference in someone's life, just by letting them know I care. I like the song "Pass It On" as a description of what God asks of us as followers of Christ. We are to pass on the Love God has given us to others, not merely by talking about it, but a radically different form of evangelism that to me Jesus began: living and demonstrating that Love to others, passing on the blessings to others.
Whenever my strength is waning, sometimes all it takes is to
share with another who is not feeling so strong how God has always been
there for me. Some people think it a bit silly of me, when I make such a
big deal about what, to many, seems minutia that at one time I may have
taken for granted. But I have been at spots in my life where I had even
lost hope, and even the tiniest glimmer of hope was enough to restore my
strength.
As far as Bible stories about strength, a few really
stand out in my mind -- one being the story of David and Goliath. How many
of us have not felt as if we were up against our own Goliath at one time
or another? The monsters we often face as adults, or demons, if you will,
seem to make any drooling monster that we imagined under the bed or in the
closet as a young and impressionable child look like a pixie fairy.
Whether it be addictions to drugs, alcohol or compulsive gambling (or
compulsive worry!); the fear of coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or
transgendered to family, church or friends and the not knowing exactly how
they will respond; the horror of diseases like AIDS and cancer, the
nightmares of homophobia/biphobia and prejudice, a goal we have strived to
achieve against seemingly insurmountable odds, the challenges of moving
forward from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. Yes, lots of us
(yours truly included -- who has been known to be a worry-a-holic in years
gone by) might think David had it easy and that Goliath was a gnome by
comparison.
Yet look at exactly what I believe God intended when this story was
inspired through its writer, just the kind of pep talk all of us could use
once in a while, if not on a daily basis: However huge or menacing
whatever it is we fear seems to be, God will help us use what we have to
triumph victoriously. It is the same faith Jesus
also speaks of that can "move mountains" -- another wonderful parable
the Bible has for us to think about -- and according to His parable of the
mustard seed, a little goes a long, long way.
All it really takes is faith. I'm sure that any of us
who call ourselves Christian and who are also lesbian, gay, bisexual, or
transgendered have slain many of our own Goliaths and had mountains
along our journey to deal with from time to time -- the kind that can make
us weary and feel as if our strength has been drained. It is not always
easy being "out" as a bisexual, but it is definitely worth the times I
have helped someone know that they are not crazy or sick and helped others
to see that God made them the way they are for a reason, loves them, and
is good to them, too. It is definitely worth the occasional ridicule to
live the truth of who God made me to be than to live a lie. I have been
harassed and hassled and condemned and treated with total cruelty by
Christians who assure me of how much they love me, as they have tried to
play God for me. I was practically run off of my denomination's bulletin
board by a group of fundamentalists who came in to "break up our
love-fest", who were "sick of our tolerance and diversity nonsense" and
looked forward to Judgment Day when "Jesus would laugh in our faces and
cast us out into hell forever". And it was not only me but every other
LGBT person they attacked, as well as anyone who did not believe in a
literal Bible or dared to suggest questioning the authority of Biblical
literalism-even the psychological and psychiatric community was unsafe, as
these Christians went so far as to call the American Psychiatric
Association the "American Pedophile Association". (Is it just me, or has
everyone else noticed that for as much as LGBT people are accused of
"recruiting" that the Biblical literalists seem to do a decent job of
that? When one uses fear, especially fear of God, it can be very easy to
psychologically manipulate someone into doing your will. I call it
spiritual rape. Yet you never see us outside the fundamentalist churches
with signs saying, 'repent of being gay/bisexual/lesbian/transgendered
or God will punish you!!!" You never see an LGBT person hand out a
pamphlet to a heterosexual
threatening them of the evils of their sexual orientation. You never see
us putting up websites that say, "God Hates Straight People". How can the
LGBT Community then, be accused of "recruitment" or seeking any other
right other than that to be respected equally as human beings and children
of God?)
I'd like to suggest that we, as a community, face a Goliath in the
demons of fear, misunderstanding, and prejudice. Sometimes faith is all
that we have, yet it is one of the most powerful things we have.
Only love is more powerful. When we combine faith and hope with love,
we can move mountains, as Jesus said. It takes faith for me to live, and
sometimes it has seems like all that I have. I have been persecuted by
conservative Christians for being bisexual. I have been persecuted by
some in the gay and lesbian community for being bisexual. And I have even
been persecuted by some in the community for the fact that I hold an
honest relationship with both a woman and a man as an ideal. All of that
being said, I wanted to share some of the ways I have found to renew my
spiritual strength. For God has blessed us all with our own special ways
of doing so, and even when our own wellspring of resources may have seem
to run dry, God's never does.
One of the most effective ways I have found of renewing my strength
is in doing something to help others. In addition, it is in being able to
look all around me and see God in all things; someone asked me once, "If
you believe in God, how come no one can see God?" To which I always say,
"Look around you -- the intricacy of a leaf, the beauty of a sunset -- how
can you not see God?" And as mentioned earlier, little things are what
constantly renew my strength. I get a lot of negativity thrown my way
sometimes. I am, even for some liberal thinkers, somewhat of a radical.
Yet, in all I do, every action I take and every decision that I make I try
to ask myself, "What is the most loving thing to do here?" For as I have
often said many times before, God will grant us our every heart's
desire if we do our part and act with love towards all the rest of God's
children.
So sometimes when I feel down or worried, I simply focus on trying
to do something to help another feel better, whether it be sending an email
or a card or giving a phone call to someone to brighten their day. I feel better by leading
one of the bi support groups and helping others to know that they have
a safe place to share their feelings and concerns, or simply smiling at
someone who looks like they are having a rough day. I always come away
feeling a little renewed myself.
And yes, I have found strength in the Bible, and all of its
wonderful stories. It is amazing to me that when we are able to look past a
literal meaning to the stories and parables and into the rich metaphor
they represent. The stories further assure me that the God of Love inspired them in
the hearts of those who wrote them. I take comfort in the strength, wisdom and inspiration they can provide. The story of David and Goliath which I mentioned, which
shows us that no matter how menacing the obstacles before us may seem that
with faith in God we shall triumph with glory; the story of how God
provided a ram for Abraham when he feared God was asking him to sacrifice
his only son; the ultimate power of God manifested when Christ suffered and died
and rose to live forever so that He might show us that Love and Mercy
always triumph over power and might, only to reassure us that even when it
seems those who oppose us have triumphed that God will restore us to new
life. There are stories in the Bible
that seem to address, at least metaphorically, every possible fear human
beings could find themselves facing in this life, and how the faith of
those before us brought them through the most trying times.
Another major source of strength and affirmation to me is that
which I hear in hymns. I don't think it is any coincidence that whenever I
feel down, I am somehow reminded of my favorite hymns.
"Blessed Assurance" reminds me that no matter how any person may let me
down that God never will. "One In The Spirit" reminds me what to me being
a Christian is truly all about: "They'll know we are Christians by our
love." When other Christians who may see my faith as invalid or
counterfeit persecute me because they don't understand how I know Jesus this hymn comforts me. "Seek Ye First" helps me to center and remember that God is the source of
all the good in my life, and that as long as I stay focused on the Great
Commandment to be as loving as I can to all people that my life will be
blessed with an abundance of love and goodness. "Let There Be peace On
Earth" reminds me of what I need to do to help others experience the
Kingdom of God firsthand. "In This Very Room" never fails to keep me
aware that Jesus is always with us, and His Spirit never leaves us even in
times of trouble. I could go on all day about hymns and how they restore
my strength, as I am sure they do for us all, but to list them all would
take too long. And there is one very important source of daily
affirmation and strength that I want to share with everyone -- the words
Jesus gave when he was asked, "Lord, teach us to pray": The Lord's Prayer.
Every Sunday in my church, after the Prayer of Invocation, we sing
the Lord's Prayer. In fact, the first Christmas after I was confirmed
into the church years ago, I was looking for something special I could do
for someone at Christmas time. A young man announced after the service
one Sunday, in our "closing circle", that he was seeking volunteers to
"sing" the Lord's Prayer to a woman who was in a nursing home, suffering
from Multiple Sclerosis, the same horrible disease my Mother has. This
woman's only Christmas request was to have someone come and sing the
Lord's Prayer to her, since she could no longer leave to attend church.
"Coincidentally" the young man's announcement came directly following a
series of sermons which had given me wonderful new insights on the Lord's
Prayer, giving me a deeper understanding of Jesus' response to His
disciples' request for Him to teach them to pray. God gifted me with a
voice and a talent to sing, and I thought this would be a perfect way to
express my gratitude and to help another in need. Myself and another
member of the choir visited the nursing home a few days before Christmas
and sang the prayer a cappella, and it brought her much joy, for which I was
grateful. I had never given anyone a gift quite like that and it brought me joy, too. And just a few weeks later, at a church fundraiser, I purchased a
framed print of the Lord's Prayer for my home.
It now hangs right by my coffee pot, on the wall,
strategically placed where I know I will see it every morning. (I know,
having it framed on the wall is one of those things that might seem like
the Jesus refrigerator magnets or the faux-carved stone crosses on the
wall of my home -- as a bisexual raised among the pop culture and kitsch
of the seventies and eighties, what do you expect?) Some visitors to my
home are touched but others have an almost amused reaction-it's the same
reaction some people have when I tell them I am a poly-fidelitous bisexual
and a Christian or visitors to my home will sit across from my bookcase
and see about seven or eight different Bibles, Concordances,
pop-psychology books, and textbooks and volumes on human sexual
psychology and sexuality. About 75 percent of my reference library
pertains to different aspects of Christian theology, spirituality and
other religions, about 15 percent is psychology and sexuality/LGBT
issues, and the other 10 percent is miscellaneous. Not one of them
contains what I believe to be the entire truth, yet they all point to it.
But the Lord's Prayer...when I meditate on it ... brings the what my
heart knows to be the truth about God into extreme focus, and revives me
to face the day every day far better than the best cup of coffee in the
morning ever could!
I try to begin each day with the Lord's Prayer, and over
time my understanding of the intense peace which these sacred words that
Jesus gave us can truly bring has grown and blossomed beautifully. It is
a love letter from us, God's children, to Our Creator, in my heart, and
one from God, speaking through Jesus, to us. It never fails to renew my
strength on a daily basis if I approach it with a trusting, open, and
loving heart. I will try my best to communicate this below, with a simple
meditation on each "part":
"Our Father" -- Rather than seeing God as "Father" or "Mother", as I see
the concept of assigning the Creator a specific and defined "gender"
(since I see gender as far too limiting a concept for the Infinite, Loving
and Creative Wisdom, Maker, Author, Designer, and Caregiver of all we
know, feel, see and are or ever will be), I simply see God as "Loving
Creator", or "Loving Spirit". For myself and many others, God encompasses
both the strong masculine and nurturing feminine aspects that deep down,
each of us has within us, to some extent. Yet God encompasses and
surpasses any and every human concept or definition of gender that we
could have and is simply too vast to define in such human terms ... though
each of us has our own image of God that we personally and intimately
identify with. Regardless of the Name by which we individually know God,
God hears us just the same. That is what I believe Jesus meant or was
alluding to when He said, "In my Father's House are many mansions" ... He was
referring to all of us having a slightly different yet somehow unified
experience of our Creator, of the all-powerful Love that is God. What is
important to me as I begin this prayer is that I am going within, shutting
out the mental noise so often created by the trials and tribulations of
the outside world, and coming into contact intimately with my Creator.
"Who Art In Heaven" -- I am reminded by this line by the beautiful truth that
Jesus shared with us about the Kingdom, or Dominion, of Heaven: That the
Kingdom of Heaven is not some distant, faraway place but instead is as
comfortingly close as my next breath...it is within my own heart and soul.
As I reflect on this line, I focus on God's Spirit within me, flowing
through me and out to all of my loved ones and those around me. To be
in closer contact with God, I turn within to my own heart, where God
always speaks the loudest and the clearest. The heart is where we can
always find our way back to the truth when we have allowed that old devil,
fear, to cloud and deceive us into believing that all hope is lost. In my
heart, I hold a picture of what Heaven on earth would be like-a world
where the diversity of God's Creation is seen as a gift, and where all of
us, despite our differences, treat one another with the greatest love and
respect that we can regardless of differences of opinion, life, or any
other factor. As I acknowledge that in God's Presence, Heaven already is,
and silence any distractions that my mind could be throwing out, I become
more and more aware that I am one with God. I have never been separate
from God no matter how I may have felt before in my life. If it seemed God
was distant, it was merely an illusion created by my fears. Ultimately
nothing ever can or ever will be able to separate me from God's Love. I
cast off all false illusions of fear, or illusion that God is distant, and
realize that God is as close as my every breath and as real as the love I
feel in my heart.
"Hallowed Be Thy Name" -- God is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and
the End, and all points, nooks and crannies in between. Everything that I
am, know, and love is a gift of God Who is the Great Creator and Sustainer
of us all. Amazingly, I can have an intimate conversation with the Divine
Intelligence that knitted me together out of the same atoms and molecules
that make up the very fabric of the entire Universe, the One Who assigned
each and every one of us, no matter how different or quirky we may seem to
the next, with a specific purpose and reason for being. And that
definitely includes all of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgendered, male, female, heterosexual, black, white, Hispanic, whoever
we are. Knowing the immense Power and Glory of God's Love and Creative
Wisdom, I reaffirm that nothing which worries me is too big for God to
give me whatever boost of strength I need to know that all of my fears are
nothing but illusions and vapors, and that none of them can hurt me, for I
am a child of the Most High, as are we all.
"Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done, On Earth As It Is In Heaven" -- This
has several meanings to me: First, it means that we are individually and
as a whole seeking for God to guide us towards a glorious realization of
Jesus' vision of a world on this Earth without division, hate, or the
exclusion of anyone; a blessed Domain in which harmony, happiness, and
unconditional Love exist forever between all human beings. In some
premillenial dispensationalist theories, Heaven is visualized as a place
where "everyone looks the same, everyone is young, healthy, and
beautiful"... yet I see Heaven as a place where everyone is so full of love
and caring for each other as Jesus was that regardless of how different
anyone is or how different they look, live, or are that all anyone can see
is the good in each other. Heaven is a place where all are loving and respectful of one another at
all times, regardless of race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation,
or anything else. I believe that through Jesus teachings, God has given
us every tool we could possibly need to create our own Heaven on Earth,
and that the rest is up to us if we "do our best and let God do the rest."
I also believe "On Earth as it is in Heaven" refers to a kingdom of
unity with God and the joy and peace that we find when we know a personal
relationship with God. I am reminded of our greatest source of joy-living
in love for one another and for gratitude for one another. And last but
not least, I am reminded that the more we visualize this wonderful Kingdom
on the inside and focus on how to make it manifest in our daily lives, the
closer we get to God and the closer we get to Heaven.
"Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread" -- This humble request expresses the
needs which God can fulfill on all levels, and to me represents not only
our most basic of needs but spiritual sustenance that we truly could never
live without, the manna of hope. Spiritually, we need from God that inner
wisdom to help us make it through the day, that reassurance of faith, that
cherished special moment or memory that uniquely reminds us of out unity
with our Creator. We also have basic needs for living, not only things
like food for nourishment of the body, clothing to keep us warm, and
shelter where we are protected from the elements, but greater needs such
as love, loving, and being loved, kindness, meaning and purpose to our
lives, and of course, hope. And finally, each and every one of us needs
encouragement, opportunity, all of the daily joys and little things which
we often take for granted, and our passions in life that bring us joy that
we could not live without. To embrace God is to truly embrace these
things as well, for all things are from God. Daily bread may mean something
different for each of us but to me it covers the whole multitude of
blessings our Loving God showers so gracefully into our lives, not because
we did or didn't do anything special, but simply because we are all loved
with an eternal and unfailing love. Not only are we thanking God for this
unsolicited Grace by asking for our daily bread, but we are asking that
God bless all others in abundance as well ... which God does all the time, if we only open our hearts to receive.
"And Forgive Us Our Debts, As We Forgive Our Debtors" -- As Jesus so simply
illustrated in the Golden Rule of "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself", if we are
to receive forgiveness, we must be willing to give it ourselves. I
believe that this is one of the most important lessons Jesus gave us. I
believe His statement, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice" truly emphasizes
this aspect of His ministry; that in all things, we are to be merciful,
forgiving and loving even when we are not extended the same from those who
have hurt us. This part of the Lord's Prayer urges me to search my heart
for any anger or hurt I may feel towards anyone and to let go of that hurt
and anger in God's nurturing embrace, which I feel when I look around and
see all of the love in my life. It also encourages and challenges me to be
more loving even when that seems like the most difficult thing in the world
to do. If someone has hurt me, chances are it is because they are hurting
also, perhaps God will guide me to communicate love to them in such a way
to end their hurt feelings that caused them to hurt me. I am reminded in
this phrase to acknowledge the times that I, too, have been hurting and
lashed out at another in pain and fear. I reflect on the occasions when I
have carelessly acted out of fear or ego and hurt another. I seek a more
loving way to handle that type of situation if and when it rises again.
For the LGBT Christian, especially those of us who have had loved ones,
family, and often church family say hurtful things about us because of
their misunderstandings and fears about the people God Created us to be,
finding forgiveness is not always an easy process. But with God all things
are possible and the end result is worth the struggle.
"And Lead Us Not Into Temptation" -- I am reminded here that with faith in God ALL things are possible, that one reaps what one sows. Whenever there is a need in my life or a goal I wish to accomplish, I will gain much, much more by being patient, loving, honest, kind, and respectful of all the rest of God's children than I ever could by acting in uncaring or unloving ways to achieve goals or fulfill needs. I trust in God's Love
and in God to provide for all of my needs in ways that will be harmful to
none and helpful to others, and to guide my path so that I will follow my
heart instead of letting fear get in the way. I ask God to grant me
patience so that my actions always stem from a place of Love rather than
fear, doubt, or worry, and to keep me on my spiritual path.
"But Deliver Us From Evil" -- As I understand the concept of evil, it is a
negative and destructive energy that is borne out of our own fear and from
our own image of God being obscured. Much of my young life I was taught to
"fear God", but I have experienced that love and fear cannot exist
together. I choose to love God, for in God's embrace there truly is
nothing to fear. This statement is not so much a cry for protection from
those who would seek to do me harm, but rather for my own protection from
allowing my fears to obscure my knowledge of God's Love for me and for all
of us, the illusion of separateness from God's Love, and my own negative
thoughts. It is a cry to God to help me realize that because I am God's
precious child and one with God, nothing anyone does or says to me, no
demon of fear that I could allow to haunt me, or no words that anyone says
to hurt me will ever be able to harm me at all. To be afraid is to have
more faith in evil than in God. This phrase tells me that no matter how
many fundamentalists tell me I am abominable in God's Eyes, how many in the
gay and lesbian community criticize and dismiss my bisexuality as a "myth",
how many people criticize me being in love with more than one person, or
how many people dismiss my faith as idealistic thinking and delusion, I will
always find peace in God. I think that even in the face of those who might
do evil to us, we can visualize God's Love surrounding us and strength
comes automatically. I visualize Jesus surrounding these people with love,
and any evil intent vanishing in a pure light of love.
"For Thine Is The Kingdom, And The Power, And The Glory, Forever And Ever,
Amen" -- God is the Source of ALL, and even as I pray, God has already
addressed and answered all of my concerns. There is no power higher than
God, through Whom all things are possible. God Loves me, and each and
every one of us, just the way we are, forever and ever. And God will
always care for us with the same Love individually and personally for we
are all a part of God's family. We face each moment renewed and
strengthened, knowing that nothing can ever take God's Love from us. Ever.
As a bisexual, I am so deeply hurt whenever I hear someone in the
gay or lesbian community discriminate against me or others like me because
of how I live my life as who I am or simply
because I am perceived as a threat to gay/lesbian identity. In the
Christian community, I sometimes face persecution because of the openness
of my beliefs. But as I say the Lord's Prayer, all that melts away and I
am close to God. It is a way to me to visit Heaven.
It really is amazing, how a few simple words can renew our strength,
when we really reflect on what they mean for us. Just another wonderful
gift Jesus gave to us all. And even more amazing, how God always shines
through even the toughest times to renew our strength. For when I talk
intimately with God, it truly does seem on Earth as it is in Heaven.
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Called OUT: The Voices and Gifts of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Presbyterians Jane Adams Spahr Roberta Showalter Kreider Maurine C. Waun
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