The Silence of God

by: Billie Wells


What began as an article turned prose in midair, for words seemed to flow so fast
and the message remains as it would have to start, from memory to testimony they last;

The Lord I did serve every turn and chance, as a born-again Christian I tried every way that I knew to perform and perfect the worldly duties my mind supplied;

though church was a place where I met this God, He went with me throughout my walk-
I knew I had found this thing that folks cherished, I shared it every chance I could talk.

I lived for Sunday Morning Worship - for the music was filling my soul I'd never been so at home in a church nor felt as though life was whole. Years passed on and sins were revealed, one by one to the alter they went but one shadow that plagued me I took to my pastor when my efforts to yield were spent.

He unknowingly sent me on a journey seeking - God to a place I'd never looked deep;

I thought He was up at the altar, it was to be later I'd find Him within me.

I read passages in the Bible and mingled in Fellowship Hall but clinging to a bottle seemed to muffle my call.

I couldn't understand why I begged for His help as He just watched me in all my pain;
allowing me to lie in the hell-hole I made, where no promise of peace could be gained.
Not only did He seem to ignore me, He allowed me to do as I saw fit- I couldn't reach His outstretched hand for I had dug too deep into my own little pit.
I prayed every prayer and I made every promise; His response wasn't mine to hold-
I only fell deeper into this nightmare where guilt and despair were sold.

The Silence of God grew louder and longer, confusion was mine all alone- with no way to see where I was headed and surely finding no way back home. I had grown to trust this religion that had taught me God alone was the power that ministered to those who loved Him and cried out in their darkest hour. I begin to think God was so furious for the promises I couldn't keep and just didn't want my name in the heavens for my dirty lies were simply too deep.

I thought He should see that though I had failed, nevertheless I had tried my best why couldn't He just reach down and lift me from alcohol's toll for I'd failed the test. Death I did meet at it's inevitable door for never does it swing just one way - no longer did I even care how God counted the scores of my drunken haze. I just sought a freedom that couldn't be found and thought I was completely alone;

Silence was screaming in my ears but His voice I had to seek on my own. When He knew I knew I had taken enough, He tested me yet once more; and fail did I so successfully, He led me through another door.

That Silence of God was His patience and letting me seek my own will; It was love for His child in trouble I and acceptance of my selfishness still.

It was endurance for He knew I was human and to err, yes I would, to the end- knowing my heart as well as my head, He allowed my mistakes room to mend.

That Silence of God was His goodness - laced with pure, unconditional love just waiting for a fool to wake up and raise their arms up above.

I've surrendered my will for Him to keep safe and ask that every day He supply the guidance to know His will in my day for the Silence of God saved my life.

Copyright © 2000 by the author
All Rights Reserved


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