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Again, Jesus, you ask of me, "Who do you say that I am?"
You ask each of us that question at times, Jesus, and since it is now my
turn, how can I answer this question save in the words of the man who
was blind from birth, whom you healed, "One thing I know, that, whereas
I was blind, now I see."
Though differing periods of my life I have formed different pictures and
opinions of you; none really invalidates my previous thoughts and
experiences, rather each in turn enhances the other. I am aware you
already know what you mean to me, but since your question invites me to
examine my life closely and define your influence over the years, I'll
roll back the years and revive memories of times we've spent together.
I recall hearing stories about you when I was a small child, but the
picture books always portrayed you as white-skinned with long blond hair
and sky blue eyes. Children always surrounded you, so it seemed. It
wasn't till my teens I learned that you actually spoke to young people,
awakening them to the fact that in God's eyes they were precious. In
those days we knew where you would have us serve you best as disciples,
but I was so acutely aware of my inadequacies, my lack of qualifications
and my sinfulness that it took thirty years before I was ready to start
training for the job you had always wished for me.
I remember when I was beaten, first by strangers who didn't like my
butch appearance, then within a relationship, and how I turned to you,
asking you to make sense of it. As I looked at you I saw the marks of
those beatings that had been inflicted on your body. Though neither my
pain nor my sorrow was eased, at least I knew you too had experienced
such cruelty, and with that knowledge came such peace. If you could
bear this, then so could I because I sensed your presence there with me.
As we walked the path of discipleship together, I recall how you looked
deeply into my eyes and searched out all the secret places where I had
hidden bitterness and anger. Then you inquired whether I was ready to
let go of these burdens that were crippling my life. You asked me to
forgive those who had caused such pain and anger, for this was the only
way to cut the ties to these people, ties that held me in bondage. Then
there were those times when you asked whether I loved you sufficiently
to give my whole life into your keeping, relinquishing all those parts I
had previously decided to manage by myself. It was hard, Jesus, to
bring you every part of my life, even the first time you asked, but that
was not the end of it. Like a bookkeeper updating figures, you returned
time and again, reminding me that I had again accumulated areas from
which you were excluded. Will there ever be such a time, Jesus, that
all of me truly belongs to you?
Do you remember how, like an overwhelming wave of peace, you imparted
your Holy Spirit into my life, and I was stunned to discover you love me
even to this extent? It was exactly the same amazement I knew when I
learned that you wanted to see me healed and whole. I heard your words,
those same words you spoke to the man at the pool called Bethzatha, "Do
you want to get well again?" You took me back through my life so I
could judge accurately what events were caused by others and what by my
self-indulgence. At last I could let go of resentments against certain
other people, for I could see my own faults. You were healing me. You
continue to heal me, for life's pathway has not always been smooth and
even, and all too often I stumble and fall, grazing my knees, elbows and
pride. You pick me up, dust me down and we take a look at the events
which have caused me to miss the path.
When I was serious about being freed of my addiction, I was able to lean
on you for those first few weeks until I knew I could manage each day,
healed of my dependency. When you called me to serve in a new and
untried ministry and those in authority stated this was impossible, you
held me close as events unfolded that shook me free of all that had
crippled me within a particular denomination. You healed my wounds as
those chains were burst asunder, and yours was the confidence with which
I moved forward to serve your people. From you I drew the determination
to keep my eyes focused on the work ahead, rather than waste time
regretting events of the past. Each time I have been lonely, you have
been there to comfort me. In joy, through grief and in pain I have
known your presence.
Who are you? I cannot prove by any earthly standard of measurement who
you are, but all my experiences and interaction with you give me the
confidence to declare that you are indeed God, for who else could know
me as intimately as you do? Who else could love me when there was
little to love in my nature? Who else would seek to heal me? Who else
would be willing to pay the price demanded by every example of
self-indulgence on my part? What can I say to you, Jesus of Nazareth,
but "Once I was lost but now I am found; once I was chained but now I am
free; once I was blind but now I can see." You indeed are the Christ,
beloved of God, who has opened the doors of all prisons and invites each
person to step free into Paradise.
Copyright © 2002 by the author
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