Angry With God? Not Anymore!


by: Lucas Hawkins


I am a female to male transsexual. Since I was old enough to understand what I was not male I was very uncomfortable about how I felt, how I looked and how people treated me. I was very confused and scared. I was brought up in a Christian home and every Sunday, we would go to church, where I was subjected to sermons of "Hellfire & Brimstone." It didn't take me long to figure out that what I felt inside was not going to go well with my parents. I was aware of this when I was eight years old. I had already been scolded and ridiculed for my behavior. I was utterly ashamed of myself and I thought I would go to hell because I felt I was bad. The overwhelming guilt was unbearable and I knew I could not tell my parents how I felt or who I really was. I asked my mother one day what my name would have been if I had been born male, and she said, "James Alan." Every night, I would pray to God, the Father, to be healed of this affliction and make me male. My prayers were not being answered and year after year, I became more disillusioned and depressed.

Finally, at the age of 17, I gave up on religion for good. At that time, my sister was to be married in two weeks and her fiancé pressured her into sex before he was to be stationed in the Philippine Islands, for the Marine Corps. After he got there, he wrote her telling her he didn't need her anymore, since he could get a "whore for two dollars." My sister was hurt and in despair. She told my father what had happened, and my father forced her up to the altar, in front of the entire church, to confess `her sin,' of fornication with her ex-fiance. She was devastated, humiliated, and ashamed. I believe, because of this, her emotional stability was shattered causing irreversible damage to her character and to the deepest part of her soul. I could not stand it -- I walked out of the church -- swearing I would never embrace this `religion' for myself.

I moved out of my parent's home as soon as I turned eighteen. I was free to go and do as I pleased. I turned my back on the religion of Christianity, and no one could preach Jesus to me. I would become hostile and turn away when anyone tried witnessing to me. My younger sister would mail me a `witness letter' every year, trying to tell me I was going to hell because of who I was, not living a `normal' life.

My twin sister had cut all the ties I had with the family -- for any family get-togethers at the holidays. At this time, my mother was going along with her. She thought it was best that I spent my holidays with my friends. She always avoided confrontations or arguments and always took the easy way out -- collaborating with my sister.

I felt abandoned by my family. I never thought my mother would do that, but I was sadly mistaken. For years after this, I did not speak to my mother. My father had died the year I left home, so he was not aware of my dysphoria, because I feared he would stop loving me. I knew he could never accept me or even understand me. I had heard him say crude things about `queers,' so I made up my mind, that he would never know the truth about me. So, I entered the heathen world, trying to fit in -- but not really ever being accepted for who I was.

At the age of thirty-four, my life was a mess -- drinking, drugs, unsatisfactory relationships, and false religions. I even worked two jobs, trying to satisfy the financial needs of a lover. Nothing was good enough for her or for anyone -- they all went away, and I was left alone. That was my greatest fear -- the fear of being alone and lonely. My loneliness caused me to be angry. I was mad at the world. I was mad at God for not hearing my prayers, angry with him for not healing me so that I could have harmony between my body and mind. I was angry that people would not accept me for who I was. I was angry with my family for rejecting me. I wanted out. I had contemplated suicide and had the necessary `pills' to take to end my life.

Then I cried out to God. I had a horrible void in my life. I wanted God to make a way for me, as I could not see any way out of this horrible mess in my life. I wanted someone to share my life, someone who accepted me as who I was, someone who would not want to change me into someone else -- or something I was not.

My roommate suggested I go to the local MCC to make new friends. I drove around the block numerous times before I actually went in. I'm glad I did. I met someone who showed me the way back to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I finally came back to Christ at that point. I started reading my Bible and making new friends. One such person was to be my wife. She was the answer to the prayers I had prayed to God for so long. She accepted me for who I was and she has loved me unconditionally for ten years.

We have long left the MCC, and felt more comfortable, and more accepted, at more traditional churches, as we pass and live as a heterosexual couple. It was our desire to worship God and His Son, Jesus Christ, in Spirit and in Truth.

Our desire to know more about God is a large part of our life. We knew there was something missing from our life. We were not being taught Bible doctrine. The Word of God was spoken only in topical, social messages. We became aware that there was no spiritual growth in us. We were literally starving to death. Because of the lack of Biblical teaching I was suffering from mental anguish, anxiety, and depression (as well was my wife suffering from depression). I was guilt ridden, and ashamed of who I was. I was fearful of death because I did not know if I was a child of God. I was still afraid of `going to hell,' for who I was and the `life' I was living. I had developed bitterness and had uncontrollable anger. I knew I needed help. I went to counseling for over a year, and although that seemed to help some, I still needed to know where I stood with God.

It took us a long time of searching out churches and local assemblies, before we found a church which `rightly divided the Word of God.' Because of this, I got more and more into the Scriptures -- studying them and researching what they mean. We now have a great pastor-teacher who goes into great detail of what the Scriptures mean and has shown us of our position with Christ. Praise God! After three years regularly attending this body of Christ, I no longer suffer from anxiety. I found the truth in the study of the Bible. I now have peace with God and the peace of God reigning in my soul and heart. Philippians 4:6-7 states it clearly: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Also, Colossians 3:15-16 says, "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord."

Below, is the reason why I let go of my anger at God. I now have an intimate relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. Lamentations 3:22-26, "Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, because His compassion faisl not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

The Word of God gives a very unusual revelation. The more you study it, and the more you come with a contrite heart to hear His truth, the more God reveals. This is why Paul said in Ephesians 3:8, that he preached "the unsearchable riches of Christ," the unsearchable riches of grace. He said, "What I'm going to preach to the Gentiles cannot be traced anywhere." In other words, it is something that we will never be able to know fully.

In Romans 11:32-33, the Word says, "For God has committed them all to disobedience, that He might have mercy on all. Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!" Ten times in Scripture will we find, "tender mercies," we read "His mercy endureth forever," thirty-seven times. Mercy is said to follow us all the days of our life (Psalm 23:6). In 1 Peter 1:3, it speaks of an "abundant mercy."

The original Hebrew for "tender mercies," is a mercy motivated by the character of love. A tender mercy is a mercy motivated by the total and complete and absolute compassion of God's nature.

In both books of Timothy and Titus, Paul's communication was, "I want you to understand grace, mercy, and peace from our Lord Jesus Christ." This is important because if a person has these things straight in their mind, then depression is gone forever. Self-image in a negative sense is gone forever.

You begin to have a mind that is just like Christ's (1 Corinthians 2:16, Philippians 2:5). Studying scripture helps you to start thinking like God does. It is so important to get a Word of God education. Revelation 1:5-6 says that those who learn the Word will reign with Jesus Christ as kings and priests forever.

Grace and Mercy are the highest provisions God has for us. Mercy completely takes away what I deserve to have from God. Mercy takes away everything that I deserve because of my sin. Mercy forgives my sins. Mercy forgets my sins. Mercy buries my sins and everyone else's sins. Grace gives me what I don't deserve. Mercy takes away what I deserve, and Grace follows up and gives me what I don't deserve as a believer.

John 5:24 says, "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life." That is mercy! Taking away what I deserve. The verse says, "passed from death into life," that's Grace! Giving me what I don't deserve -- giving me a life I haven't earned. Mercy gives back everything that I've lost and grace gives me, immediately, something I never had or never could have had before. Mercy says, "I'm going to take care of you, I will arrange it so that you'll never have to experience uselessness." Grace says, "I'll go beyond that. I'll make you useful beyond anything that you could have imagined."

At first, this truth seemed hard for me to understand. But mercy buries everything, then grace comes in and gives you everything. Mercy erases everything that was on my record; grace gives me Jesus Christ's record of righteousness. Mercy says, "I will go with you," but grace says, "I'll take you and put you in Christ and have Christ come into you as if nothing had ever happened."

The Bible says that Jesus Christ, the King of the nations, who has loved us and cleansed us from our sins by His own precious blood, has made us kings and priests unto the Father forever. It is wonderful to have mercy follow me all the days of my life. It is quite another thing to be given a brand new, glorified, resurrected body. It is another thing to be given the pure holiness of God forever, without the old sin nature to interfere, and it will be wonderful to reign with Jesus Christ forever.

Grace came along and said, "I'll make you a child of God like Jesus, and when you see Him, you will be like Him (1 John 3:2). You will be glorified in your body (Philippians 3:21), and you will have a magnificent provision with Him forever.

One of the most unique things in all the world, is when a believer wakes up every morning and understands this truth, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). The old things are passed away -- that is what mercy did. In grace, all things become new.

"All have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). "There is none righteous, no, not one" (Romans 3:10). Because of sin, and God's holiness, there is judgment. "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). "The soul that sinneth, it shall die" (Ezekiel 18:4). "It is appointed unto men, once to die, but after this the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27). These things are true. Either a person accepts Jesus Christ's sacrifice for sins, or he will be condemned for rejecting Jesus Christ and go to hell. "He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God (John 3:18).

However, because I believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, I believe that His death on the cross paid the penalty of death for sins; His blood cleanses us from all unrighteousness -- past, present, and future -- so, I thank God that sin is no longer the issue between God and His creation. Because Christ's sacrifice of dying on the cross, shedding His blood was the penalty, and the judgment for sin, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). That's mercy! All things are new in grace.

Why is it that this can be done? Because justice has been dealt with? In Psalm 85:10-12, God's mercy -- not His grace -- and the truth of His holiness met together. His righteousness and peace kissed each other. Now truth springs up from the earth. Mercy met with the truth of God's demands for justice, and Jesus Christ, who knew no sin, became sin for us and paid for everything. This is our peace, the peace of the Son was making for us by shedding His blood on the cross (Colossians 1:20).

First, there was sin, which brought in the necessity of judgment. Jesus Christ was judged in our place and now justice can say, "I make the judgment that everyone who will believe on You will have mercy and grace." Mercy rejoices against judgment (James 2:13), and now grace can say, "I'm going to make them brand new. I'm going to make them part of the Body. I'm going to put them in union with Christ. I'm going to give them the gift of eternal life."

When sin abounds, grace does much more abound (Romans 5:20). Jesus always gives something way beyond mercy. When I reckon that my sins were judged on the cross, I'm accepting mercy forever at that moment. If I failed tonight, I can say, "O Lord, You've paid for that sin;" and mercy would respond, "I'm so glad you acknowledged that;" and grace would come in and say, "Now, have a beautiful time with God. Rule over the devil and his demons!" Through the power of the Holy Spirit that dwells in you -- use His resources to be free from guilt! Use His power to help others, so people can be healed. Grace is abounding where sin did abound! Understand this, mercy is what Jesus died to give us, but grace is what Jesus lives to impart to us.

After learning these truths of grace and mercy that God provides to me, His child, how can I ever be angry with Him again? I cannot. All I can do now is thank Him for His Son, who saved me from condemnation, from guilt and shame, and who has brought to me the promise of an eternal glory, of ruling and reigning with Him in heavenly places. I can not be angry with God who has given me mercy, which takes away what I deserve - condemnation, but instead has given me grace that I don't deserve. Although I may be afflicted, His Word revives me, His Word is sweeter than honey and we receive understanding from them. I can not be angry with God because of all these things, all of His truths, and because of His love for me. I can not be angry with God, when He has given me the Word of God as my guide, and as my portion, and as a lamp unto my feet. Psalm 119:103-107 tells it so perfectly, "How sweet are Your Words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through Your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. I have sworn and confirmed that I will keep Your righteous judgments. I am afflicted very much; revive me, O LORD, according to Your Word."

May these Words bring life to you.

Copyright © 2000 by the author
All Rights Reserved


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Books:

The Transsexual's Survival Guide : To Transition & Beyond

Joann Altman Stringer

Coming Out Spiritually : The Next Step

Christian De LA Huerta


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Other Articles By Lucas Hawkins:

The Purpose of Suffering

Grace and Transsexualism


Also In This Issue:

Prayer To Mary From Her Forgotten Children

Go Ahead, Be Angry at God!






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