Some important theological questions are answered if
we think of God as a computer programmer.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious
to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to
find out what goes on in the overnight job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him
automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring
it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on
Jolt Cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went
home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now
we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white
board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more
powers than he actually possesses, so people who
aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of
him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative
ways to mess up the system when God has made it
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.
And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so
if there is a request for you, God will just say that
the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and
corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the
present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and
simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded
he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now
everything is more complicated and expensive than
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or
you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and
disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits
your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings
if he can help it, because that last one with the
twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it
a name, a common word, or a date (like your birthday).
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query
in the form of a question.