Just about seven years ago, our family had the privilege to get to know our child more deeply than we had ever known him. Our son, at the time our daughter, came out to us as transgender.
While that took some explaining to understand, we all eventually “got it.” While my husband, his father, was in on whatever needed to be done, decided, etc., I was the one that went with our son to his doctors’ appointments, the birth certificate office, the DMV, the passport office, the high school’s registrar, and the principal’s office to complain about a single noncompliant teacher, etc. I assumed the role of guardian of our son’s privacy to whatever extent he wished. We have had frequent discussions about that very thing.
Sometimes, I was scolded for talking too much or writing too much. Recently, he said, “Enough already, Mom! I am not a commodity.” Ouch. A commodity?
Our family survived this transition and could be of support and encouragement to other families if only we share his story, our story. Well, fair is fair; therefore, this article will be the last one I offer on this topic, especially any article where I reference my son. He has worked very hard to construct the life he wants and believes he should be allowed to simply be who he is without explanation.
So, here I am years down the road from the “beginning,” our son having lived on his own for most of those years — not really needing much if any “involvement” from me. As time has stretched out, our relationship has changed. Our boundaries (or rather his with us) have changed, have tightened up, one could say. I had to learn how to navigate our older son’s boundaries when he moved out. Yet, these two brothers are distinctly different in how they view the world and the relationships that surround them.
Simply? I must reshape my view and my relationship with our younger son so that my curiosity is not as busybody or pushy-mom. I desperately want healthy communication with both of our sons; yet, without a doubt there is a distinctly different connection with our younger son that sets up certain “rules” about questions that I may or may not ask.
I still steadfastly check in about doctors’ visits, etc. If he doesn’t like that, he can choose not to answer me. I was allowed in recently which resulted in a good, solid visit to his home. I treasure the memory of that visit. Simply seeing him, spending time with him to be absolutely honest. Not just a phone call or a text.
What do I do now? Well, I think I will continue to stand where I am (after stepping back a few steps recently) and see where our relationship goes. Will it expand toward me or shrink from me?
I am certain of one thing: There will be good days and bad days and, if we are lucky, in between days. I do believe that we each have developed beyond the temper tantrum stage (yes, Mom had temper tantrums — not in person; usually later at home alone). Our children have grown up, truly matured into their own persons. I wonder about each of them and am so very proud of their achievements.
I think I should have put this last paragraph first. Yet perhaps not. Even though I started this parenting process at a more “mature” age than most mothers, I had and still have much to learn — to continue learning — about our children.
The most important aspect to my relationship with both of our sons is that I pray for them.
I pray for their health.
I pray for their safety.
I pray for their happiness.
I pray for their success.
That’s what a mom is to do.
Spiritual director, author, wife and mother (not always in that order), Daphne Reiley has published two books — A Tapestry of Love, The Spirituality of Caregiving (co-authored with Rev. Dr. Joseph LaGuardia), and Love, Then Listen, Sharing My Son’s Journey Toward His True Gender, published by Nurturing Faith — with a third, Relentless Love, scheduled for release in Spring 2025.