Since coming out in the 90s I’ve been through a lot of evolutions, wandering the fringes of Christianity. No home church or pastor, no place for Bible study. Whosoever has been one of the few consistent venues in my faith journey.
So where am I now? How has at least 20 years on the fringes of faith shaped me? There have been positives and negatives.
Here are the negatives:
I’m endlessly suspicious of “church people”: Unless they’re also part of an LGBTQ+ community, my assumption is that they’re bigots. And they don’t care if I live or die.
“Giving people grace” sounds like code: All I hear when someone says or writes that is “My need to be bigoted and uncomfortable matters more than your basic humanity.”
And honestly, most basic Christianese sounds like coded bigotry at this point in my life:
- Saved by grace: “I can hate you and it’s okay because Jesus loves me”.
- Have a blessed day: Code for any slur they’d throw if they could get away with it.
- I’m praying for you: Half a sentence that ends with “to turn straight/give up being trans” etc.
- We’re going to love on them: Hey, we’re not beating you up or calling you names. We’re totally loving you people.
Now for the positives:
I’m out here if you need to talk. Everyone’s journey with faith after or beyond the church is different. But I’ve been here for a while now and am a lot more interested in listening than talking.
It feels as if I’m a backstop. Living in the space between church life and the abyss. Able to catch you before you get to extreme self hatred and/or not wanting to live anymore.
It can be hard to shake the feeling that they know better than you do. But just because there are a lot of church people who’ve absorbed the same idea doesn’t make them right. And they have absorbed it.
Most people who are cishet supremacists or LGBTQ+ antagonists don’t actually study the Bible on this topic. They’re parrots and zombies who repeat what they’ve heard. Again, just because there are a lot of them doesn’t mean they’re right.
Over time, I’ve found a lot of fun stuff about the Bible I’m happy to share
The one thing that helped my spiritual growth and Bible study the most was tossing the belief that the Bible has to be inerrant. (For folks who may not know, that means without any errors.) After all, the Bible didn’t die and rise from the grave — Jesus of Nazareth did. And I won’t elevate any book above my Savior.
A while ago, a friend asked how my faith walk was going. After some thought I said, “I suppose the best metaphor is that I’m a lot like a feral cat. I might hang out in your yard. Maybe let you feed and pet me. But at this age, it’s doubtful I could ever be a house cat again.”
Sometimes it sounds self-indulgent or self-destructive to say that. But I guess at the bottom of it, I’d rather take responsibility for ruining or building my faith out here on the fringes than take a chance on a church doing it.
If you have doubts, concerns or feelings like those I’ve shared here, I want you to know that it is perfectly fine to be on the fringes — because for me, that’s where I can own my faith and not just rent it.
A middle-aged trans guy who lives on the west coast of the United States, Adam enjoys studying the Bible and hanging out online, and he drinks enough caffeine to power a small city.