Okay, so I’m writing something about humor, and I feel I have a good sense of humor but strangely enough, I could not come up with something I felt was funny regarding religion that is originally mine. I did, however, remember a piece I read back in the early 1980s when I was in high school and lo and behold, searched the Web and found a copy of it.
So I offer the following as my all-time favorite religious based humor piece. Yeah, some might find it irreverent, but I first saw this in high school a long time ago, and it had me laughing to the point of tears. I’m not entirely sure of the author, when I found it on a humor board online there was no one credited. I have found that most people – even those who have more conservative religious views – and especially those who know who the 3 Stooges are – get at least a chuckle out of this.
WARNING: If you don’t have a sense of humor, stop reading here!
Israel Multiplies. Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews
1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.
2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and became exceedingly mighty.
3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the Nile.
4 And one day Pharaoh’s daughter found a basket containing a child among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, “This is one of the Hebrews’ children.”
5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.
6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting with each other, and he said to them “Cut the rumpus or I’ll moida the both of yah!”
7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, “You don’t scare me!” And he stuck out his tongue and said, “Nyaaaaa!”
8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him several yards by it.
9 And the other Hebrew – a man with a raspy voice and strange hair – laughed mightily. And Moses smote him atop the head.
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.
11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend
12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.
13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame, and Econquered.
14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and Midian-well.
The Boining Bush
1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold their services for pasturing other Hebrew’s flocks.
2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident sheared off some of Larry’s hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.
3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath him, and Moses screamed, and he said, “Why, I’ll break your heads!” And he chased them into the field.
4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire from the midst of a bush.
5 And Curly said, “Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!”
6 And Moses said, “Quiet, you lame- brain!” and smote him on the head.
7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, “Hey, Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!”
8 And they said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!”
9 And the Lord said, “Do not come near here; remove your sandals from your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground.”
10 And Larry said, “I’ll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!”
11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.
12 And the Lord said, “I have seen the oppression of my people by the Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I will send … you!”
13 And they were unsure as to who “you” was.
14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly – who saw he had no one to to look at – trembled and clicked his teeth loudly.
15 And Moses said, “Which `you’ do You mean?”
16 And the Lord said, “You!”
17 And Moses said, “I?”
18 And Larry said, “Aye!”
19 And Curly said, “Aye-aye!” and the three Hebrews began saluting each other vigorously.
20 And the Lord said, “Cut it out!” and they did, and He continued, “Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them, `The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt and into the land of Canaan – a land overflowing with sweets!'”
21 And Curly said, “Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!” And Moses smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on the head.
Hebrews given powers.
1 And Larry said, “What if they don’t listen to us, or vicey-versey?”
2 And the Lord said, “They will. Now, hold out your left hand,”
3 And Larry said to Curly, “Which one is my left hand?” And Curly said, “That one.” And Larry said, “So how do I know which one is my right hand?” and Curly said, “Why, that’s easy! The one that’s left! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!”
4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.
5 And the Lord said to Larry, “Now, what is that in your hand?”
6 And Larry looked, and said, “Why, nothin’.”
7 And the Lord said, “Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!”
8 And Larry said, “Oh!” and looked and said, “Why a staff!” And the Lord said, “Throw it on the ground.” And Larry threw it on the ground and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.
9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, “I didn’t mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn’t!”
10 And Moses said, “Of course you didn’t”, and hit him on the head with the staff.
11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and dropped it and it slithered up Curly’s robe, and Curly said, “Wooo woo woo woo woo woo!” And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly in a circle.
12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to the ground.
13 And the Lord said, “This wonder shall help you convince the sons of Israel of the word of the Lord.”
14 But Moses pleaded and said, “Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We ain’t never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it’s ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!”
15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, “Who made man’s mouth? Who makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said, “Who makes him dumb?
16 “Is it not I, the Lord?!”
17 And they saw His anger and they said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!” And they bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.
18 And the Lord said, “Go, then, and perform this wonder before the sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, ‘Let my people go, so they may soive – I mean serve – Me!”
19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up Curly’s robe, and he danced wildly.
20 And the people believed.
“Let my people go!”
1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his court.
2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, “First, shouldn’t we pay homage?” And Curly said, “I don’t know. Homage should we pay? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!”
3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion with his hand.
4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, “We got this here message from the Lord,” and they put their fists to their mouths and made a trumpet sound. And then they sang “Roses is red, Violets is yellow; Now let My people go! Like a Pharaoh and a decent phellow.”
5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and snapped their fingers.
6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, “Who is the Lord that I should obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!”
7 And Moses said, “Wise guy, eh?”
8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his fingers, and he approached her, saying, “Rough! Rough! Rough!”
9 And then he said, “How you doin’, Toots? Tell me, are you married or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!” And then he offered to make her a drink, and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.
10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, “It seems the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on, they will no longer have any straw to make bricks – let them gather it themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!”
11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped his eyes, and said, “Guards! Seize them!”
12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the fields.
13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they smote them on their heads.
John Campbell is a native of Alabama.