If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and 22-30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599. Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet… sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane’s navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way, no, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head. We’re going to start lunch right about noon and its buffet style with the coffee pot up front. Then we’ll have the hymn sing. Hymnals are in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding! Right now I’ll say Grace: “Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.”