1. Blaming your farts on me!! Not funny, not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose… stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew up your stuff when you’re not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo! what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here! (You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?)