As I was thinking about Pride activities last month and ongoing, I had the thought that it takes a particular courage to be out and proud. Where does that courage come from? Are those individuals who truly need this particular courage aware that God backs it up? I hope so. This particular courage is impossible for someone like me to truly grasp being a heterosexual, white, cis woman. Yet, I know it when I witness it. This particular courage is different and is required of all those on the spectrum.
I understand that this particular courage is much different from and far beyond that which I need in order to enter a room full of male clergy and make myself heard. This particular courage is far beyond what any heterosexual individual ever needs. Yet, this very courage is what keeps so many LGBTQ+ folks alive and flourishing. Regardless of where you stand spiritually, I am here to reassure you that God does indeed love you and is always with you — wherever you reside on the spectrum of LGBTQ+.
As a woman, I have certainly faced my share of discrimination and dislike and lack of respect, yet I have never had to deal with the misogynistic hatred by some men aimed at trans women. Why do so many hetero men hate trans women? That hate that homophobia arises within the bounds of deep sexism: That ridiculous range of hateful emotions that some men carry toward women period, yet especially toward trans women these very men might initially find attractive.
Admittedly, once I got to my mid- to late-20’s I knew to ignore the comments from construction workers as well as how to defend myself physically. Of course, I knew how to walk “safely” (i.e., my hips don’t sway), and how to “read the room” as far as my safety was concerned. I was raised in a time when if anything happened to a woman — anything — it was the woman’s fault. So, when I excitedly accepted my first job in downtown Atlanta, my mother drilled that realization into me.
Yet, none of my adjustments had to be undergirded by my faith. I was proud that I had developed the courage to take care of myself, though. However, if it ever had to be, I would have been sure in my declaration that I was loved by God. I confess to rarely feeling extremely vulnerable around a group of people. Most of the time, I can separate my fear from my nervousness.
In writing this, I began thinking about where and when I learned how to walk without the wiggle; glide with little to no “bounce.” My mother would simply watch me walk around at home and suddenly make some comment about my hips, my butt, etc., so I actually learned these things “at my mother’s knee” — how, when, and why I would need to modify my physical being to keep myself safe. Times had apparently not changed from the time when my mother was a telephone operator for Southern Bell!
I admit to having developed an attitude when I am in public that clearly communicates my boundaries. Yet, when I worked in downtown Atlanta and went out during my lunch hour, I would get catcalls from construction workers high up in one of the various skyscrapers in progress. What would I do? I would whistle back or yell something about their looks. I was not shy. Yet, that was those guys way up there!
If I was ever approached by some random guy on the street and got harassed, I had options. Options like staring him down, walking away, and sometimes using very unfeminine name calling screamed at the top of my lungs.
Only once did I hit one. What he said to me felt like a true violation of my person. In what I did, I got the point across on a sidewalk on busy Peachtree Street. This one time, I let my right hook take over, powered by my anger. Not a slap. A punch. The guy was so surprised that his eyes got big and I just walked away, in silence. I must admit that I may have let my hips sway that time!
All of that said, I am not transgender. I do not experience the same sort of fear and frustration that a transgender woman does.
These women deserve their existence! Physical pain, emotional and psychological “reordering” and suffering of many different types has often been endured in their process of becoming. The news I hear covers all those times when transgender women are harassed, assaulted, and horribly murdered.
Why did these women get harmed in these ways? All because they are women. Women who are not always seen and acknowledged as the beautiful women, strong women they truly are! Women who are sometimes immediately judged as “less than” in some way often end up with targets on their backs. Women whose very existence threatens certain men who when they find them attractive and realize they are trans women are immediately seized by homophobia!
These women, who have made an often-frightening decision to reveal their true, deepest identities deserve safety, security, and protection just as much as women like me who are not transgender. The sad truth is that no one ever thought of calling a cop on me when I punched the asshole of a guy who insulted me in broad daylight, out of nowhere. This man saw me as someone he could insult. He learned quite quickly. There is a difference, though.
The thing that really angers me is that when transgender women who have this particular courage within them stand up for themselves with an asshole of a guy, they take their lives into their own hands. Men who attack transgender women are ruthless because of their inherent homophobia. Quite frequently, the attack will grow larger in terms of the number of participants beyond the original man who began the interaction. Others will join in. I have an idea why that happens.
What seems to be a part of the reason is that some men are so very afraid of transgender women because they refuse to understand the reasons behind a man “wanting” to be a woman. Never mind that the man has been a woman on the “inside” his entire life already!
The transgender woman represents a strength that a fearful man cannot understand and is blatantly threatened by, especially once they encounter that individual’s particular courage.
This particular courage that so many trans women must live in is also an attribute of most folks within the entire LGBTQ+ community. There are so many heterosexual people — men and women — who are offended and frightened when they encounter someone who has found their identity, deep inside, most likely after years of struggle. I have begun to wonder if those people who are so offended are not questioning some aspect of their own identity, their own sexuality and are afraid to explore those thoughts.
A quick confession here: I am a 64 year old, white, heterosexual woman who grew up in racist neighborhoods, neighborhoods in which it would have been folly for a LGBTQ+ person or family to live. My own young adulthood was shaped by my parents’ fears and lack of understanding, in addition to their religious upbringing. Once I moved away from home and began making friends for the simple reason that I liked and/or admired someone, I began understanding the deep love and unquenchable humor that lives within the hearts and souls of LGBTQ+ individuals. Admittedly, the deep love and unquenchable humor was often hard-won and sometimes still tenuous. I admired each of those individuals I had the opportunity to get to know.
There is a survey out there now asking for opinions about Atlanta’s need for an LGBTQIA+ Community Center. (LGBTQ+ Community Center Feasibility Study – Atlanta’s Vision for the Future) If you’re in metro Atlanta and have not done so already, please take a few minutes to consider the questions being asked and respond to the survey.
The information provided will help to shape a “space” in which the LGBTQ+ community can truly thrive, truly be themselves, and (I think) learn how to physically protect themselves.
So, from this old white lady — thank you for bringing your own unique beauty, sass, and particular courage to the world! Wherever you find yourself in the alphabet. Thank you for your bravery, humor, and strength.
Spiritual director, author, wife and mother (not always in that order), Daphne Reiley has published two books — A Tapestry of Love, The Spirituality of Caregiving (co-authored with Rev. Dr. Joseph LaGuardia), and Love, Then Listen, Sharing My Son’s Journey Toward His True Gender, published by Nurturing Faith — with a third, Relentless Love, scheduled for release in Spring 2025.