Updated Beatitudes

Christians believe the Bible is a resource for all ages. However a few Churches in Columbia Maryland have updated “The Beatitudes”… originally presented at the “Sermon on the Mount” (Matthew 5: 1-11):

  • Blessed are the poor in spirit, they are rife consumers for all manner of inspirational products and fair game for the tele-evangelists/marketers
  • Blessed are those who mourn, for they too shall spend great sums with regard to various memorials, remembrances and all manner of laminated items. Forget them not on the anniversary of their sorrow; for what profit it a man not to follow-up initial sales and thus forego many years of future purchases
  • Blessed are the meek, they complain not concerning low wages or poor working conditions; neither shall they raise their voices in protest over shoddy workmanship or substandard products
  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are following their “low fat” diets in strict accordance with their physician’s wishes
  • Blessed are the merciful, for they shall forgive your sexual harassment and file not a discrimination suit; neither shall they contact the EEO or ACLU, nor congregate in demonstrations and protests
  • Blessed are the pure in heart, for surely, their cholesterol shall be the lowest in the land; neither shall their arteries clog. Strike fear into their minds, then they will purchase all manner of drugs, herbs and potions so they may maintain their purity
  • Blessed are the peacemakers, for the profits from “peace-keeping” armaments shall be ten-fold that of those gun merchants who would wage war
  • Blessed are those who are persecuted, their names shall be entered in nomination for political office and even the least among them shall be appointed to positions of authority
  • Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you, for you shall be known as President of the United States, or some governor thereof, whereas citizens of other lands shall be known as despots
  • Rejoice and be glad, for verily I say unto you — the Consumer Confidence Index is at an all time high; tax surpluses are everywhere, as far as the eye can see; unemployment is at an all time low and the stock markets are as high as the interest rates are low; again, I say “Rejoice”
  • Your reward is great in Heaven… be ever mindful of the fact that the keepers of the records are compounding daily the interest on the treasures you have stored there
  • It is no longer good for anything to be thrown out, be joyful concerning the money-making opportunities in the recycling fervor sweeping all mankind
  • Let your light so shine before men, this I say unto you, even if you should fail to become a leading merchant among men with profit-margins unforeseen, there is untold wealth and fame for a great multitude of financial advisors, consultants and tax experts.