We can work on the positive things in our life and in our community and look to moving away from some who would make us feel negative about who we were created to be. We can allow people, places and things the freedom to be who or what they are as we work toward being who we are. We search within to find that peace to feel good about who we are and gain faith in that truth. We can learn to work on moving away from the negative of our life.
We can learn to hold back the desire to rescue or fix things or people from the sickness, dysfunction or irrationality. It is better to give the person the space to be who they are even though our need is to fit them into what must be the very best. At least what we believe to be the best.
If there is a dependent relationship going on in our life, we can learn to accept that we cannot change or control the other person. If there are changes to be made they begin with you and me. If our relationship is more dependent and less a growing relationship with others, we are leaving God out of the mix. This is the time to consider changing to grow spiritually.
It could be time to stay a distance from those who have power to affect your emotional outlook. We establish boundaries in order to develop our sense of independence. We become alert to those who are helping us to grow and those we are helping to grow spiritually.
We sometimes fit things or people into our life that have an unhealthy outlook and then realize there is a need to back away from those that are affecting our life. Our work should be directed to exercising emotional self-protection so that our experience is not greater emotional problems from having hung on to what is really a hindrance to us.
We come to a point where we allow those we love and care for to accept responsibility for their actions and practice love and stop doing for them what they are capable of doing for themselves. Let their actions be just that — theirs. We learn to avoid being hurt or taken advantage of by people when we realize that we can change only by living our life as we know God meant us to. We are not dependent on others approval or opinion of who we are. If we are unable to remove our self from these people, we run the risk of being coerced to do things for people which we do not really want to do.
If we become needy and find it necessary to receive the “at-a-girls” from people who truly want us to be like them, we affirm that they are right and we are not. We become imperfect in our eyes and their intimidation can ruin our confidence. We are the creation of a God that loves us just as we are. We are not perfect but our imperfection are no less or no greater than those who we seem to want approval from.
If we do not recognize the significance of the need for this approval, we give the other person the power to control us. We are blind to what is controlling us. What we most need is to let go of. This change can be made if we are willing. We will become a fully loving Christ like person.
When we run the risk of losing control of our life, we have low self-esteem. We put off making decisions and following through on little. If we recognize a relationship as unhealthy, we do better to remove our self from that relationship. If we are not attentive, we are driven by emotional dependence and the relationship worsens. We run the risk of losing who we are. Our self worth lessens when we do not have the caring love of another person. If we struggle to remove our self from the situation emotionally or physically, then there is a control issue. Is it our issue of being controlled by the other person or situation? We can develop the ability to keep a distance. If not, it becomes a power maneuver that become beyond our personal control. If we are seemingly in awe while in the presence this from whom you cannot get away from, we are allowing manipulation. It does not have to be a person; perhaps it is a thing that has a significant presence in our life. We might feel coerced to stay attached to someone or something for fear of great depression or harm if you don’t remain deeply involved. We might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go. We believe they cannot care for themselves or we have the need to fix them. Sometimes we convince ourselves of the helplessness of others so that we can reinforce our usefulness and use their dependency so that we create a need for our control. We think we should be the one to solve the problems. We convince our self and them that they need us. We need to be the fixer and thereby the controller. We are convinced that if we are not involved, they or the circumstance will not be able to go on without us. That is a product of poor thinking. Through this type of reasoning, we justify your continued involvement. We convince our self that we would be devastated if something would happen to them if we were not around. We soon find that we are no thinking about them as much as we are about our self.
Only through recognizing this thinking, can we back away to maintain our personal, emotional and spiritual health. We can then help first our self and then others that we care about. To do this we need to review the relationships in our life and identify how they fit into our life. When we have identified this, we can work through identifying all of the reasons why we are being hurt and how our physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
We can work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilty over letting go and being emotionally removed from this situation. We are then someone who deserves a healthy, wholesome, relationship in our life. When we can accept we are whole, we will find a healthy relationship at home, at work and in our community. We will realize we can let go of the unhealthy and have that healthy life with the people we care about.
Rev. Suzie Chamness served as Senior Pastor of Spirit of Life MCC of New Port Richey, Fla., beginning in 2009, having been a Volunteer Clergy for the Congregational Care Ministry at King of Peace, St. Petersburg, Florida and worked as Chaplain at Bon Scours Maria Manor Care Facility also in St. Petersburg. She completed her Masters of Divinity at the Florida Center for Theological Studies in June 2006 and ordained in August of that year.