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You Know You’re in a Redneck Church If…

  • The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
  • If people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.
  • When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
  • Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  • A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
  • The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
  • In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
  • Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
  • High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
  • People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
  • The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
  • The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
  • The collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.
  • Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
  • The minister and his wife drive matching pick up trucks.
  • The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Pink Tickle.”
  • “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.
  • The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now!! Ya Hear!”