Seeds of Hope

Is it Okay for a Married Woman Act on Her Bisexual Feelings?


[Posted on January 22, 2000]

Rev. Turner:

I hope I can express what I am feeling in a way that is not going to be confusing, because I myself am confused and though I am not alone I feel as though I am in this sometimes for I do not know anyone who is a bisexual Christian.

I am what has been termed as "bi-curious". I think this is a trivial term, but I am wondering if I am bisexual and wonder what is appropriate action if any to take in finding this out. Perhaps I already know but don't want to admit it as to some of the stereotypes associated with bisexuality. There is also the issue that many straight women are attracted to other women. When does it become a sexual orientation?

I am married and my husband does know of my "curiosity." Do I need to be with a woman to discover if I am bi? If I do this, is that a sin even if my husband approves or may be involved? I feel even if I wasn't Christian I would be tormented by the fact that that so many feelings could get hurt as well as spirits wounded. I am really struggling because I don't want to lie to myself about who I am but I don't want to hurt anyone (or myself) or do any wrong.

Yes, I must be honest, I do wonder what it would be like to be with a woman and I often fantasize about it, but should I keep those things there? And again, if I do are those things signs of bisexuality or normal heterosexual fantasies? Are chat rooms and "cybering" just an acceptable way to fantasize or only a lesser form of adultery ?

There are so many other questions heavy on my heart with this issue, but I know you only wish to read an e-mail, not pages and pages, not to mention that you have limited reply space:). I hope you can maybe just get the feel for some of my other concerns and thoughts by what I have already said.

God Bless you in your ministry,
Robyn


Dear Robyn,

My land, child, you have raised a ton of hard issues for anyone to deal with. I will try to answer some of your questions, but want to remind you this is just my opinion in many of these areas. What you do is ultimately up to you and your husband within your understanding of your relationship with God.

"I am what has been termed as "bi-curious". I think this is a trivial term, but I am wondering if I am bisexual and wonder what is appropriate action if any to take in finding this out. Perhaps I already know but don't want to admit it as to some of the stereotypes associated with bisexuality. There is also the issue that many straight women are attracted to other women. When does it become a sexual orientation?"

According to Kinsey people have a sexual orientation scale that goes from 0 to 6 -- 0 being completely heterosexual and 6 being completely homosexual. Kinsey research showed that the vast majority of people fell in between those two extremes. Which I suppose means most people have some bi-sexual type feelings. I am not sure when it becomes sexual orientation is the right question here. I think that word has been misused to cover our fear of sexuality. Human beings are sexual creatures and as research has shown the expression of that sexuality is all over the map.

"I am married and my husband does know of my "curiosity." Do I need to be with a woman to discover if I am bi? If I do this, is that a sin even if my husband approves or may be involved?"

This is where I get into real trouble with our more traditional readers. If you have curiosity about what is like to be with a woman I would say it is pretty safe to say you sexual desires are bi. I would have hoped that you could have dealt with it before marriage. However, with that said, marriage is about covenants between you and God, between you and your husband and you and your community. What were your vows about? Did they include an open sexual relationship? If so, then it is not, in my mind, a sin to find a female partner for you. However, I warn you this partner has to be fully aware of your situation, all of it, and be agreeable to it before anything can happen.

You say your husband knows of your curiosity -- but is he comfortable with it? If you have taken a vow of fidelity with your husband then I would say to have sex with anyone else, same gender or not, is to break that vow. If you and your husband need to revisit what your vows to each other are then I would seek professional and spiritual help in sorting that out.

"Yes, I must be honest, I do wonder what it would be like to be with a woman and I often fantasize about it, but should I keep those things there? And again, if I do are those things signs of bisexuality or normal heterosexual fantasies? Are chat rooms and "cybering" just an acceptable way to fantasize or only a lesser form of adultery ?"

Again, it all has to do with what your vows (covenants) are with each other. There is no lesser form of adultery. It either is or it isn't. If, as I said earlier, your vow is for fidelity (sex only with your husband) then to cyber-sex is adultery. In order to have cyber-sex you need another person. Fantasy is in your head and involves no real live, thinking reacting human being even at the other end of the key board. Fantasy is not a sin in my way of thinking, nor is masturbation that includes fantasy.

Robyn, being bisexual is not a sin. Discovering it after you are married makes things more difficult but not impossible. You and your husband need to look at your vows, discuss deeply your needs and with some spiritual guidance make decisions how you shall go forward with your relationship.

God Bless,

Pastor Paul


Rev. Turner is Sr. Pastor at Gentle Spirit Christian Church in Atlanta, Georgia.

If you are seeking guidance and pastoral care on your journey to fullness as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered person, please contact Pastor Paul directly at pastorpaul@whosoever.org.