Letters to Home: How I Discovered It’s Never Too Late To Date

Dear Bro,

One of the hardest things I have done, was to come out to myself — and admit I was gay. Once you figure it out for yourself comes the hard task of telling others — to your friends and your family. It is scary, but I was luckier than some. I only had a few people that stopped talking to me and not one of those was a family member.

I shared this video from Verizon and PFLAG with all my friends and family on Facebook:

I watched this video and I wanted to cry. Coming out to family can be very difficult. Some people just don’t understand what is to be gay — or why someone would “choose” to be gay. I like this video — it’s about families reconnecting after the LGBTQ+ person was first rejected by family for letting them know who they were. I am glad they were reconnected

Everyone is unique. Even identical twins have differences, minor or almost unidentifiable, but they do differ.

One can choose their hair color once they are old enough to dye it. But you are born with traits you keep your whole life. I have big bones and blue eyes with a split between my two front teeth. Genetics!

But some things aren’t at first obvious to the world or to yourself when one is born. I was born with jet-black curly hair. Then it all fell out and now I have straight hair — I mean — really straight hair. My color has gone from auburn to one of the best salt and peppers colors (others where jealous) to pure white. Some things take time to figure out or come to light as one lives their lives.

I am writing to say, I was born gay. It was not a choice. I have been attracted to women my whole life. The unfortunate problem many LGBTQ+ people have is that society starts early to define a person based on the gender they were born.

I was brought up with expectations society put on me. I remember when I reached the age of 25, I had an understanding that I was to be married and have at least one child by that age. I didn’t meet my expectations. Heck, I am 64 and I am still not married.

You start your social life by going to school, but if you truly look at school, it is a brainwashing experience for everyone.

  • You will learn the 3 R’s — reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic.
  • You will find someone to date and go to dances. The unsaid part of this guideline is that the person should always be someone of the opposite sex.
  • A good work ethic gets you good grades, and lastly
  • If you can read your teachers, you can do less and still get good grades. (Ok, the fourth one isn’t written down or a goal — but it is learned. Some of us are better at it than others.)

It’s the fourth skill I learned really well in school and at home. If I could read the situation, I could become a “people pleaser” and all would be good in the world.

That is such bullshit. It isn’t true! It makes life easier because you aren’t making waves in any way. You aren’t challenging common beliefs or principles in your life or having others face your differences.

I spent 40 years denying who I was attracted to. How did I do that?  I concentrated on work — thus leaving no time to date. In other words, if I didn’t have to date, then I didn’t have to deal with any of those differences or cause any waves in the system of calm that I was seeking. Now here I am at 64 and I am still single.

It’s been 23 years since I tore down my mental wall that was keeping me from loving myself for who I really am. I can honestly say, I have not got the wall totally down. Over the last 23 years I have actually put part of it back up. I have avoided dating for over 14 years. Yep, the same tactic I used when I was denying my true nature as a lesbian.

Bro — I see you and your family and all our cousins and their significant others (most are married and have been for decades) and I realize that I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I have played the “loner” card so long that it hurts now watching others in loving relationships.

I want that too. I am scared, nervous and very hesitant to even try to date. I would love to have someone to share the rest of my life with, but I honestly don’t know how.

So bro, I am trying to meet people now thru a dating website. I honestly don’t know how anyone picks someone and writes them. It is overwhelming. I want to shout “Stop!” at anyone in their 20s who isn’t dating. Examine the excuses you are giving yourself. No person is meant to be alone their whole life. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

Well, that is enough venting for now. I just hope some will hear me yell this at the top of my lungs and get busy finding friends/family that can be there for them their whole lives. Being a loner isn’t the way to go.

Thanks for listening to your loner sister, bro.

Love, Alyce