First, let me say, that I am gay. I am out at work, to family, and friends. I am not an ancient, decrepit, old man. Nor am I young. I am 42.
I was born in Gary, Indiana, in 1957 to Robert Don (Sr.) and Emily Arabella (Hume) Meek. I was mother’s 6th pregnancy. The only one to live. Six and a half years later, they adopted my sister, Laura.
I was raised Protestant, and in private, Christian schools, except for 3rd, 6th, and part of 7th grade. Our church exposure was diverse. We went >from the non-fundamental (Lutheran, Calvinistic) to the Fundamental/Pentecostal (independent Charismastic, Assembly of God, Church of God, Fouresquare, etc.) to the Fundamental/non-pentecostal (Baptist, etc.), and so on.
Growing up, when asked, “What denomination are you?” I had the urge to say, “Mutt.”
I grew up gay. From pre-pubescence to puberty, I went from nothing to gay. From calm, to torment and terror. I knew what I’d been taught, and I hid the terror deep within for years.
Eventually, the agony made me suicidal. Although I didn’t act out, I wanted to die. I used to beg God to take me out of this world, to heaven.
One day, I finally quit fighting. I’d been in counseling, and accepted that I was gay, but the only way I knew to do that, at the time, was to reject my spirituality. To close myself off to God’s Love, and my needs for God’s Love.
I crossed a line.
I went to a MCC. In there, I sat, terrified — convinced, as I was, that perhaps I was in the midst of virtually demonic and satanic deception. As I looked around at the congregation, it struck me that it wasn’t all that different from “regular” (?) congregations that I’d been in, except that most of the men sat on one side, and most of the womyn sat on the other side. The effect had a remembrance, for me, of stories of puritanical times, when men and women, even after matrimony, sat on opposite sides in the church.
As I sat there, I prayed, and prayed. “Lord,” I said, “you promised . . .” and on I went, quoting Scripture to God, holding God to God’s own promises.
Now, what I’m about to say next, you may, or may not believe, and it is your choice, but I know the witness in my spirit, and the only two times I’ve ever had this experience.
The first time, I was about 10, and in the Wisconsin Dells, on vacation, with my family. We went to Biblical Gardens, and I ran up to a statue of Jesus, containing children surrounding Him. Luke 18:16, was quoted on a sign, that introduced the statue.
The second time, I was in prayer, as previously stated, at a MCC in Greensboro, NC.
I felt a sudden, very spiritual, very powerful warmth, glow, Love, penetrate my very being, touching my spirit, my soul, if you will, beyond warming my body, and saw, with my spirit, a bright light.
The first time, that was all.
The second time, as clear as a bell, I heard, in my head, as a thought, but clearly not my own thought. It had the distinct feeling of having originated from outside my mind. And the words were, quite simply, “You’re ok, just like you are.”
Suddenly, and for the first time ever, a great burden was lifted from my shoulders, and I knew that God loved me, as a gay man.
I titled this “Morality Matters,” for a reason.
You see I did not always live my life the way I described above. Not before nor after these events. What I described, above, was an introduction to the topic. Necessary, for you to understand what comes next.
There was, indeed, although tame by the standards of “big city” living, a seedy side to my life. During my time when I accepted that I was gay, no, even before I came to full acceptance of being gay, and also during, and after, but when I still only knew how to cope with being gay by denying my spirituality, and my spiritual needs, there was this one true skeleton in my closet.
I cruised public bathrooms, and pornographic bookstores, for anonymous sex. I am not proud of it. I do not live my life, today, in shame of it, either. However, facts are facts, and the facts are that I did it.
Colossians 3:17 says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (NIV)
I challenge you today, and ask you, whatever it is you are considering doing next, would you take Jesus there with you? Imagine, if Jesus were on earth, today, in His body, as He was in the past. Or, if you will, imagine that you are there, now, in His time. Would you ask Jesus to go to a movie with you, bowling, fishing, or for a walk on the beach? Would you ask Jesus to go to a “bath house” with you, for anonymous sex? If you cannot say “Yes,” to that latter question, you might want to think twice. For if we are Children of God, then we have God, and Christ’s Love, in our hearts, and where we go, we take Jesus with us.
Yes, morality matters.
To that end, I have made a personal decision, and have even deleted all pornography off of my HD.
Why are we so upset about the word “morality,” that we, as lesbigay Christians, refuse to consider how it fits into our lives? It’s really quite simple. Morality is claimed as a right by the Religious Right, the Moral Majority, the homophobic heterosexual Fundamentalists. And we, are, have been, and shall always be, soundly trounced by them, as being on the opposite side of the fence. You want proof? I am not here to give you proof. Search your hearts, and know.
I will state this, however: that the Religious Right/Moral Majority/homophobic heterosexual Fundamentalists have all the “proof” that they need to keep themselves convinced that they are right: NAMBLA, bare-breasted lesbians and S & M in Pride parades, and more, so much more. They would have you believe that S & M belongs only to us as they pounce on us about it. Of course, if you look closely at it, S & M clearly has an equally strong heterosexual counterpart to its market. And that’s what it is, a market to personal sexual desires. However, the heterosexuals do not walk down the street dressed in their S & M leather gear, and they hold us accountable for doing so.
They do not see the quiet couples that have been together for 13 (Carl and myself), 15, 20, or 30 years. They do not see the people, our very own, who would defend the rights of children, for their protection, although the vast majority of us would, and many of us do. They do not want to see.
I challenge you today, to ask Jesus to make you in His image, to make your life a light unto the world, for Him, and see what God does in your life.