A couple of months ago, I guess I hit a “midlife crisis.” I was looking at my life and saying “Is this all there is?” It was suggested to me that I explore my identity, including my sexual identity.
I looked at my life and significant relationships and the more I looked, the more I realized I’ve been attracted to more women than men. I took this review back even through my teen years. From a “straight” point of view, my life was very confusing. When I looked at my life from a lesbian perspective, however, it all made sense.
That couldn’t be right. I grew up in a Bible memorizing, Methodist family. Many times I heard “We’ve got to pray that ‘those people’ will see the error of their ways.” Could it be that I was one of ‘those people’?
One thing I learned as a child was that prayer, talking to God, is just like talking to my best friend, except that God is always there and already knows what I think and sees me all the time so that is how I pray, I just talk to God.
Until now I had never even considered that I might be gay. With my background, I remembered all the things I’d heard at church “All gays are living in sin and going to hell.”
I have had this habit for a while of reading scriptures and meditations in the morning. The meditation for this particular morning was “God’s Will.” Now I used to worry and fret and try to figure out what all the possible options were that God might use in my life. I would get myself to the point of being willing to accept whatever God might do before I would ask what that plan might be. Sometimes it might be weeks or months before I would get an answer (or at least one that I accepted). I’ve learned that I wasted a bunch of time and energy doing that, so on this particular morning I asked “God, is it your will for me to more attracted to females than males, to love women?” I figured it would be at least a day or two. But, as if I was standing there in front of God, there was a “Yes, it is.” I heard it in my spirit.
“But God, aren’t all queers going to hell?”
“I made you didn’t I?”
“I promised you that if you believe and confess me before others that you will live with me eternally, right?”
“Do I change my mind?”
“So why do you have to ask? I love you the way I made you. Live abundantly, and that means giving and receiving love with others, females included.”
This is sort of a paraphrase but it is close to what happened.
It is amazing to me the peace I’ve had since that day. Life just makes more sense with my new perspective. Feelings I used to feel guilty about, I now look forward to, knowing it’s OK because I know that this is God’s will for me.
Now I realize there are those who won’t believe that what I’m saying can be true. That’s OK. I’m still dealing with my own homophobia and fears about what’s going to happen when I come out to people who are important to me. I am grateful and thankful for the peace I have in “knowing that I know Him” (I John 2:3, KJV) I know that I’m in the right place and doing the right thing because God is still with me, in my spirit, guiding me. I am also grateful that S/He put “Whosoever” here so we can share the experience, strength and hope given to each of us. Now the goal is to keep looking for what God is going to do next in my life. I just know it’s going to be something good.
I “pray” all day long, since I talk to God as I would my best friend. Both before and since I came out to God, there are things that happen everyday where I see God’s hand at work in my life. Examples include:
A particularly short ramp to enter an interstate highway that is under construction. I go that way every so often and I pray about it ahead of time because it scares me. I am concerned about the safety of all those involved, particularly me. I really don’t need to worry though; each time I travel that way there is a gap for me to enter and each time I say “Thanks, God” because I know he must have taken care of the timing for me (again.)
Every time I go to the local shopping center, in my aversion to walking long distances in Texas heat, I ask for a parking place close to the entrance. Most of the time there is a car leaving from one of those spaces as I’m driving up. Again I say “Thank you, Father.”
Now, I know this is a selfish request. God has said in his word that he cares about everything that happens to us (Psalms 56:8) & (Matt 10:29-31, Luke 12:6-7) (are we not more important than a sparrow?) and about where we go and what we do. Since S/He cares so much, I ask for the things that will help me, as well as the things that will help others, etc.
Another little example is the times when I am at work and worry about what I am going to do about lunch. As a diabetic I have to eat. As a social being I don’t enjoy eating alone. The days when I most need social interaction are usually the days when a co-worker appears at my door inviting me to join them for lunch, before I even think to ask what anyone’s plans are. God continues to prove the Word to me (Ephesians 3:20 – “Now unto Him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly, above all that we ask for think, according to the power that worketh in us.” KJV)
Each time I have such concerns and talk to God about them, the answers continue to come. That didn’t change when I embraced my lesbianism. Further, the profound peace I’ve had since coming out to God is simply indescribable. I claim again Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.” Just because my perspective changed doesn’t mean God stopped loving me. If there is still doubt as to whether God stopped loving you, ask God to show him/herself to you in ways that cannot be misunderstood. God is definitely up to the challenge. “