Let’s start with polyamory
Several years ago, for reasons that are unimportant, I took an Uber from Atlanta to Jackson, Georgia. The driver was a kind and curious young man who was very interested to hear that I was going into the Christian ministry. He had many questions about life and faith. Our conversation over the hour-long drive was a true delight.
The question I remember most, however, was one about romantic partners. Specifically, multiple partners.
“What about the polyamory thing?” he asked me. “Ain’t that against the Bible?”
His question is a fair one, and one that has been occupying a great deal of space in our culture lately. Polyamory is having something of a revival in America.
Technically it never died, as the concept of having multiple partners is an arrangement as old as time. But whether it’s because of the rising cost of living or simply because of shifting cultural norms, the practice of having more than one romantic partner is rising in popularity once again.
Conservative detractors have denounced the relationship style with all of the typical vitriol assigned to such things. It is unethical, they cry, immoral, and worst of all: Unbiblical.
This kind of protest from this quarter is hardly surprising, but I am somewhat taken aback by the accusation that polyamory is unbiblical. In strict point of fact, polyamorous relationships may be the most Biblical a relationship can be.
Here’s what ‘Biblical marriage’ actually looks like
The phrase “Biblical marriage” is often defined by our modern Western culture as marriage between one man and one woman. Conservative theologians and politicians have gone to the mat against same-gender marriage with just this definition, and now the same naysayers come armed with this definition to decry polyamorous relationships as well.
Yet it may come as a great surprise that this definition of “Biblical marriage” is rarely found in Scripture at all. Certainly, there are examples: Adam and Eve (the first people, whose relationship was never formalized into something we would recognize as “marriage” in our current culture), Joseph and Mary (an arranged betrothal between a grown man and a teenage girl), and Priscilla and Aquila (okay, this one is actually pretty good).
No, there are few if any examples in Scripture of the kinds of relationships we might recognize in our modern world. This is because the Holy Scriptures were written before our current culture was even dreamed. There are vanishingly few one-to-one cultural touchpoints in Scripture, especially as it pertains to romance. However, it is plain to see that most of the examples of marriage in the Bible are models that can be considered a type of polyamory (or, more precisely, polygyny).
One famous example is the patriarch Jacob, who labored for seven years to marry Rachel, only to be given her sister Leah instead. He worked for seven more years and married Rachel in addition to her sister. In the years to follow, Leah and Rachel’s servants were also given to Jacob as concubines. This is a story of betrayal, justice, and the power of love. The morality of Jacob’s marriage(s) does not enter into the text.
In the books of Samuel, the trend continues: We read of a man named Elkanah who had two wives. One wife was blessed with many children and a sharp tongue; the other was childless with a meek heart. His childless wife prayed for a son and promised him back to God if God blessed her. This is a story of heartbreak, desire, and promises fulfilled. The ethics of Elkanah’s marriage is not addressed in the text.
King David, the legendary man after God’s own heart, had many wives, among them Michal, Abigail, and Bathsheba. The ethics and morality of David’s wives is heavily litigated throughout his life, as are most of David’s decisions. Yet the focus never rests on whether or not David should have so many women, only on how he gained them and how he treated them. This is to say nothing of his relationship with Jonathan and how that played out.
And what more shall I say? For time would fail us to tell of Abraham, of Lamech, of Solomon, and of so many more who were married or committed to multiple women at the same time. These relationships were fraught with tension, peril, and sorrow; yet never is that turmoil attributed to the simple fact of the relationships. They are the setting rather than the plot itself.
When the word ‘clearly’ means anything but
And yet, when it comes to addressing these and other polyamorous relationships in Scripture, commentators, authors and theologians are swift to put words in the mouth of God. “Clearly this relationship was a sin,” it is written in more than one article and commentary, because “God’s design is for monogamous heterosexual cisgender marriage.” Well, not in those words, but the point remains the same. Clearly, this is wrong.
There is no word in the English language that does more heavy lifting than the word “clearly” in a Bible commentary about marriage.
“Clearly” the multiple instances of polygamy were sinful (even though the text does not support this). “Clearly” God’s design for marriage throughout the Bible is monogamy (though, again, examples of monogamy in Scripture are few and far between). “Clearly” our Western thoughts and ideals of what marriage should be are upheld by our holiest of texts (despite this holy text being written many thousands of years and miles from here). Clearly.
We often hear it said that “the Bible is clear.” This phrase is a wish — a hope — that the place where we seek answers will not hold the same complexity as life. If we say enough times that the Bible is clear, then perhaps it will be so and we can reduce the gray areas of life down to the black and white of a printed page. This is an understandable hope and a futile wish.
Hear the good news: The Bible is not clear. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. The Bible as we know it is an ancient collection of texts written in another language and time by dozens of different men and women. It is beautiful and terrible and inspiring and condemning and everything in between all of these, but very rarely is it anything approaching “clear.”
In the words of theologian Rachel Held Evans:
If you are looking for verses with which to oppress women, you will find them. If you are looking for verses with which to liberate or honor women, you will find them. If you are looking for an outdated, irrelevant ancient text, you will find it. If you are looking for truth, believe me, you will find it. This is why there are times when the most instructive question to bring to the text is not “what does it say?” but “what am I looking for?”
The surprising truth about Biblical relationships
Relationships come in all shapes and forms throughout Scripture. Married and unmarried, monogamous and polygamous, balanced in power and wildly unbalanced, with children and without. Part of this is because this text was written and collated in a culture vastly different from our current reality. The other part is that life is simply that complex, and what a joy it is that our sacred text reflects that diversity.
Rather than prescribing what relationships must or should look like, Scripture lifts up examples of all kinds of relationship. Healthy and unhealthy, loving and unloving, pairs and trios, and more.
Persistently, the guiding force behind relationship goals in the Scriptures focuses more on equity and kindness rather than correct form. In strict point of fact, it is this principle of love and compassion that guides most Scriptural wisdom. Whether we have one partner, 10 partners or no partners, this much remains true.
In the words of Jesus himself:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 22:37-40)
On my long Uber drive from the city to the country, my young driver and I talked about a lot of things. Many of the answers, including the one about polyamory, came down to this same bottom line. The important thing is that everyone involved is treated with equity, justice and compassion. The form is just a matter of time and place.
“So it doesn’t matter?” he asked in wonder.
“Oh, everything matters,” I told him. “Just not in the way you might have thought.”
What if we focused on treating one another well rather than wedging modern ideals into ancient texts? What if we pursued justice rather than conformity? And what if, against all odds, Jesus was serious when he told us to love one another rather than judging one another?
What relationships would we build then?
Serving as the Transitional Minister of First Christian Church of Decatur, Ga., Rev. Daniel Brower (he/she/they) earned a Master of Divinity from Emory University’s Candler School of Theology and a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the Savannah College of Art and Design. Daniel delights in weaving together storytelling, theology, and spirituality not only from the pulpit but in every aspect of life and is married to TW Brower. Together they have three rabbits, one daughter, and enough love to power the world.