It was a hard thing to lose God. I don’t remember what day it was, or what the weather was like, but I remember feeling lonely.
I had to make a choice, God or the life I felt led to experience. It was a lonely choice. It didn’t seem fair. But I had asked to be unburdened. I had begged to be changed. I had accepted Jesus, loved his story and teachings, yet I had to choose.
It was the most honest decision I ever made. It felt good, to feel so bad. It set me free, even though I felt betrayed and trapped by the dogma of my beliefs. In the end, it was the only choice: to be honest to my nature.
The weight of the world was gone and it was just me. If God didn’t love me anymore, fine … at least I could live with myself.
Honesty is sometimes stronger than God. It makes you look at all sides of an issue. You really have to acknowledge the obvious.
I didn’t want to acknowledge the obvious, my otherness, my outcast state. I wanted to be like everyone else. I looked in the mirror. “You’re different,” I told myself. I loathed myself for being different. I was supposed to.
I couldn’t tell anyone. I figured they could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, catch it in my walk, take the hint from my clothes. Yet, they all seemed shocked when they found out the truth.
You only see from your own perspective. Many never thought to think that I was different, because they were all the same.
But different I was, different I am. But I no longer want to be normal. Different is good, different is a blessing.
Along the way to my difference I believed I had lost God.
But, when I look back now, I see He was always there. Things worked out, miracles were performed, and life went on.
Indeed, it is hard to lose God.
Whosoever founder and Editor Emeritus Rev. Candace Chellew (she/her) is the author of Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians. She earned her masters of theological studies at Emory University’s Candler School of Theology, was ordained in December 2003, and trained as a spiritual director through the Omega Point program of the Episcopal Diocese of Atlanta. She serves as the spiritual director of Jubilee! Circle in Columbia, S.C., and blogs at Motley Mystic.